Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Zynga Game Network Wins Defense Contacts

Recently, the guidance systems for many US military aircraft have come under fire for their ability to be easily detected by the enemy due to the signals emitted by them being unencrypted.  As hard as it is to believe, the same technology used to encrypt your online purchases or the signal from your cordless house phone was overlooked by the Department of Defense.   While many of the unencrypted  systems are used in unmanned drones, some have made their way onto other manned  military flights.   Naturally, everyone is scurrying to correct the oversight as quickly as possible.
In to the picture steps online gaming giant Zynga, creator of Facebook's Mafia Wars, Cafe World and a passel more.  It is rumored among Washington sources that Zynga has received big defense dollars to not only design a new user interface for the controls, but streamline the military payroll systems.  The new guidance technology will be fully encrypted and easily operated by just about anyone.  At the same time Zynga will overhaul the accounting department so that military personnel will be paid through Paypal, and a new incentive system will award "Reward Points" for successful missions.
May I please point out that both "Zynga" and "Paypal" are copyrighted trademarks of their respective  organizations.  While this is just a simple satire piece I have elected to take this point very seriously and issue a pre-apology to Zynga in the adjoining video.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

All The Whos...

If it was Dr. Seuss commenting on the Vikings steamrollering the Cowboys Sunday in the NFL Playoffs it might have been, "All the Whos down in Whoville the small and the tall, couldn't believe their great Dallas team had really dropped the ball!"  (apologies to the Dr.).  Let's get one thing straight, I'm a Green Bay Packer fan, but watching Brett Farve at 40 years old do what he does gives me a modicum of hope that I can get better as I age rather than just older.  Watching the game from an Austin sports pub packed with raging Dallas fans was worth the price of the, well...chicken strips.  At first, the frenzied Cowboy crowd cheered wildly for every Dallas play no matter how small.  They went crazy for a two yard run pounding on the bar, clapping and screaming their heads off.  When the Vikings scored the first time the sound level in the room dropped by 10db (decibels, a unit used to indicate the volume of a sound).  The second time Minnesota scored it became eerily quiet.

Fortunately, I was seated in between two older, placid Cowboy fans.  We actually had an interesting conversation.   But the lady in gold hooped earrings and  her boyfriend stole the show rooting for Dallas.   All he could do was pound  on the bar and scream "Go long",  when Tony Romo could'nt even hold on to the ball  much less muster a throw.  But his girlfriend  was the real treat.  She pounded on the bar, stood up on the bar rail hollering "Go, and beat these  mother-f**kers."  That was the real show in the room.

It's mighty hard to believe that the Cowboy faithfuls who assembled  to watch Tony Romo circle the wagons actually thought that Dallas had a chance to win this ballgame.  Emotions replaced logic.  It wasn't a matter of watching to see who won, as much as watching to see how they won.  Mr. Farve in his own retirement speech (one of them and let's not go there) said that he had nothing left to give.  I'll take experience, savvy and pure, raw ability every time, which Brett brings to the table  when it really counts as he has proven over and over again.  Had no one  present watched any NFL games for the past  19 years?

And despite the cool demeanor  a quarterback has to present on the field, you can't help but wonder that in the back of Romo's mind is "Yikes!  I'm playing against THE  Brett Farve who I grew up idolizing!".  It's got to have some effect  even if it's buried deep in his subconscious.  The biggest job in the off season is for the NFL.  First, finding better handling arrangements for the refs' seeing eye dogs during the game and secondly, figuring out how to stop CBS from dictating game times to protect the CBS staple "60 Minutes" .  You've got the goods NFL!  I suspect you can find a more cooperative customer if you try hard enough.

Every Dallas fan there left muttering , "The Saints will get 'em!".  Here we go again.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

New al-Qaida Device Stymies Airport Security

First, it was shoes that terrorists used to hide explosives and now they have turned to belts.  One such device made by al-Qaida is throwing airline security into a frenzy because it is almost impossible to detect the new "Belt Bomb".

A source close to the industry who wished to remain anonymous said that even though the exact dimensions are classified, the explosive device is rumored to be close to 22 feet in length and weighs a mere 1500 pounds.  Our source noted that this could be why security is targeting radical Islamic body builders and professional weight lifters...especially those that have problems fitting in the middle seat.

Even the famous bomb sniffing dogs are having difficulty with detection.  In the above photo the dog quickly "tagged" this one and moved on to the next passenger in line, without indicating it had found anything.  The Obama Administration urged all Americans to be on the lookout for unusually large. powerful male al-Qaida members entering the US with a 22 foot bomb strapped to their ass. They also urged if one is spotted that authorities be contacted immediately.

Friday, January 01, 2010

God Almighty Issues Credit Card

God Almighty Issues Credit Card - Under the current economic conditions many of the larger banks and credit card companies have been busy raising rates and fees in anticipation of the beginning of stricter federal controls.  This to help insure higher profits for corporate officers and stockholders as they continue to put it to their customers with consumers paying more for help managing their money. 

Sensing that something had to be done, The Lord has announced a plan for a credit card where you do not have to repay the borrowed funds.  Holders are expected to follow basic policies and procedures including not stealing, taking His name in vain, coveting thy neighbors ox or ass plus a far reaching program that includes many others.

This is the first major financial move The Lord has undertaken since Jesus Christ overturned the money changers tables at the rear of the temple, obviously dating back to Biblical times.  The first card issued was an honorary gold card presented to Evangelist Oral Roberts.  Reported to be first in line to apply for the card, named simply "The God Card", was Pope Benedict, Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.  The application process will continue through an ongoing operation.

Already the frenzy to convert to Christianity has begun around the world to allow non-believers to become cardholders.  Never before have such large quantities of Islamic, Buddhists, atheists and others been converting and are clamoring for the first of it's kind credit card venture.

One change has already taken place in the design of the project.  The "Expiration Date" has been eliminated to relieve undo anxiety in cardholders.